Lord of the Sand Box
by Legend's Legacy
Summary: An illegitimate great great great, well you get the idea, grandson of Kain's decides to cast the spell of eternal youth upon himself. Unfortunately, something goes horribly, horribly wrong... Rating went up from k to T
1. What could have gone wrong?

**Hello! Legend's Legacy here! The only thing I have to say before we start the lunacy, is that Turned Based Tragedy is in on this deal. The idea is hers, most of the words are hers and the madness that is yet to be is hers. The only reason I'm doing it is because I have the attention span necessary to finish it . . . I also have to say, I'm sorry if it's not very funny yet, it'll get better... And better written! (I hope.) So the story starts NOW! **

Lord of the Sand Box

Martian had every thing ready. The candles, the blood, the bones and most important, the artifact. He was still comparatively young, but it was never too early to gain eternal youth. He looked almost lovingly at the essential ingredients needed to cast the spell, all arranged in a neat little shrine around the artifact. That cursed artifact was the damn hardest thing to find out of all the ingredients. It was nothing special, no gems or gold decorated its handle, but for a small crest it was undecorated. Uneventful though it was, it was the most difficult thing to obtain. 'The artifact of a long dead, long forgotten ancestor . . . ' is what the spell scroll called for.

The ancestor he chose to rob fit the requirements exactly. She had been left out of the extensive family tree created by the seer on the account of being disowned. Only by scouring old public announcements, letters and diaries did he find even a hint of her existence. She was his very-great grandmother, according to one journal entry of his very-great aunt. His very-great grandmother was, as far as he could gather, a prostitute who had been (naturally) disowned by her embarrassed family. In her entry, she expressed great surprise and anger of her despicable sister showing up on her door step and leaving a baby! She spoke no more of her sister, the next he heard of her was in a brief, somewhat awkward letter. The letter was addressed to her mother and father; it stated that a woman (who was being contained at a hospital due to her hallucinations caused by a fever) was demanding her child back whom she left with her sister and that she claimed _them_ her parents. It went on to explain that there really was no hope for her survival, and that if they wanted her buried in their family grave, they would have to claim the body before it was buried.

Finding her decrepit grave was difficult enough, but then he had to correctly identify the bones and belongings of hers. She had been buried in a mass grave, her body having not been claimed by the family. There were countless bodies and he seemed to have checked (the process of identifying the bodies was one that took hours when rushed) each one in there. The entire affair was exhausting, but in the end, after what could have easily been a fort night, he brought back an item that proved to belong to the ancient prostitute.

At long last (and he was sure he would need the spell before he finished gathering all the correct ingredients) youth would be his. He refused to tolerate another wrinkle, back pain, or grey hair! He shook with anticipation as he arranged the items. Taking a breath, he steadied his hand, and started the ritual. Lighting the candles one by one, he sprinkled in the blood and continued the archaic chant. He could feel the majic growing stronger with every word, a feeling that intensified greatly as he lit the bone like a torch and placed it in the middle of the altar, where it continued to burn. Then, in the final step in the spell, he let out the final cries of the chant and, threw in the dagger. Dousing the fire with the remaining blood, he lowered his hands holding his breath. Nothing happened. He exhaled. Nothing happened. He looked down at his hands, away from the altar. Then, as he was gazing dejectedly and his stained hands, the knife began to glow. Brighter and brighter it became, causing him to look up from his fingernails. Expecting that the spell had begun to work he got to his feet happily, awaiting the eternity that would fill his bones. Then, the knife fell from the altar. It hadn't worked after all. Martian dropped back to his knees in disappointment. What had gone wrong?

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Kain was exhausted. He had just finished creating the last of his lieutenants. He rested now, surrounded by all of them, waiting patiently for his command. He was so tired, Malchiah must have been more trouble then he realized. It was too hard to even keep his eyes open. He was feeling so extremely fatigued. A few minutes of sleep couldn't hurt. Kain shut his eyes, and he was out.

Kain awoke to the sound of quiet bickering. "Well _someone_ should wake him up . . . "

"I still say make Dumah do it."

"No, like we said, Dumah will only get himself killed! Raziel, _you_ are the only logical choice. . ."

"Why me?"

"Does Kain . . . do this often?"

"Because, Raziel, you're already the favorite, and no Malchiah, it's never happened to us before."

Kain opened his eyes and saw his six vampire sons standing in a circle around him. They seemed oddly . . . huge . . . They gave each other significant looks and then glared at the handsome one. He shrugged his shoulders and looked down at him.

"Kain . . . " He started delicately, in fear of incurring his wrath. "I think you're three years old..."


	2. commiting suicide

**Ok, first off, if I don't update as regularly as I could, it's because I have three stories going, and there's the fact that TBT doesn't _always_ want to sit around and discuss her story. Like now for instance, she's walking around on her knees and saying "Bob" as deep as she can, she doesn't wish to say much else. So, I guess what I'm really trying to say is, don't expect to see this story updated too soon after the last chapter was submitted. **

**-_Legend's Legacy (I guess Turn-based Tragedy too, who now informs me that she thinks she has a whole in her sock . . . )_**

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Kain was stunned, what an absurd situation! Of corse he couldn't be_ three!_ What a ridiculous age to assume him to be! Three . . . Three-million was much closer! The whole predicament was laughable! He merely _fainted_ for Pete's sake! Not dignified, but certainly no reason to lose sight of reality! Honestly, three . . .

Kain tried getting to his feet, but something was . . . off . . . Why were his pants suddenly so huge? Why did he only come to his lieutenants' knees? _Why was he so fat?!_ What kind of cruel joke was this?! Kain then properly looked at himself, and was horrified to see his godly chest transformed into flat plains and his perfectly formed stomach turned into what could only be described as a 'tummy'. Beyond disgusted, he dared a glance at his hands, then promptly wished he hadn't. Five fat fingers stubbed out of a circular hand. The sight was disgustingly adorable and on top of that, they were soft with inexperience of hardship, but most disturbing of all was the fact that they were attached to the end of his own, chubby arm. He did no more then look at the atrocious view in silence until Dumah unwittingly broke it.

"Cute . . . " He murmured, but that was enough to break the trance that Kain had escaped to. He now exploded into a fit of rage. Screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs, his squeaky voice blurring and blending them into one long lament so that his cries could be heard even in between gasps for air.

When that was done, then started the violence. He turned on Dumah, the near brainless idiot who dared called him 'cute'. He was caught about the middle, however, when he charged, with every intention of making mincemeat out of him.

"PUT ME DOWN YOU INEPT IMBECILE! YOU WILL PUT ME DOWN NOW IF YOU VALUE THE USE OF YOUR LIMBS!" Dumah smiled, obviously thinking Kain couldn't do much in his weakened state of being. Most regrettably for Dumah, he still retained all of his magical ability if not his physical strength. The shrunken form of his lord relaxed, leading Dumah to believe that the fit had passed. Unfortunately, it had not. Suddenly, and oh so unexpectedly, Kain's third born lieutenant's shins burst into flame causing him to drop Kain immediately. Kain puffed his chest out like the bratty, spoiled child he had been transformed into. "Never do that again!" He said stamping his foot, his death demanding rage turning into a cuter, less terrifying version of its former self.

Kain was only three feet tall and was a terrible tot to try and control. He acted every inch the yearling he was. He ranted he raged he cursed and lashed out at everyone who dared come to close and finally, he stormed to his room, locking the door behind him. His lieutenants were, once again, in a situation somewhere between survival and concern for their sire.

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"Why do I have to do it _again?"_

The others looked at one another and rolled their eyes, with the exception of Dumah, who really didn't know why he wouldn't be qualified. "_Because_ Raziel! You're _still_ the favorite! Did you really not know?" Replied Zephon, the apparent leader of the rally against him. Raziel reluctantly shuffled up to the door and knocked softly.

"Oh! Well, it doesn't look like he's awake! We'll have to come back later!" He immediately said in one breath after doing so and tried scuttling past his 'brothers' to the safety of his own territory just beyond.

"Dumah, catch him! Don't let him get too far away!" Zephon ordered, and Dumah readily obeyed, tackling Kain's eldest son. They hit the ground, both releasing small grunts as they did so.

"Dumah . . . ! Get . . . Off . . . Me! Can't . . . Breath!" Raziel gaged out between gasps for air. While breathing wasn't necessary for living, it was necessary for talking, and it wasn't particularly pleasant to be crushed by someone nearly twice your size either. A pained, confused look crossed Dumah's face and he shifted uneasily.

"Dumah, stay there until he promises to do it." Zephon instructed. "We don't want him running away." Raziel managed to wriggle partially out of Dumah's grasp. His chest and head were now free, allowing him to speak more fluidly.

"Ugh! Why do you have to do everything Zephon says just because it came in command form?" Raziel hissed. "Honestly! You're not a dog! (Though you do eat like one . . . ) Resist every once in a while, at least question his motives! Now be a good boy and release me." And Dumah promptly obeyed.

"Dumah!" Rahab scolded.

"Don't worry. I won't run away." Raziel said as he stood and brushed himself off. "It's clear to me now that you all are far too inept to complete such a simple task, that I'm the only one competent enough to do it . . . Why are all of you siding with Zephon anyway?"

"Better you than me." Turel responded, and there was hardy agreement amongst the five of them.

"Besides," Malchiah continued from where his brother left off, "we all voted you the best choice, it was a 30 Percent chance that you'd survive compared our combined 7 Percent."

"Then why was Zephon your ring leader?" Raziel inquired. A wide, stupid smile spread across Dumah's face.

"Better him then me!" And there was hardy agreement amongst the six of them.

After much prodding and threatening, they managed to convince Raziel to knock again. He reluctantly shuffled up to the door and stared at it. He slowly lifted his hand and balled it into a fist. He glanced back over his shoulder at the others, who were a safe distance away, out of flay and immolation range. He brought his fist down hard on the door in three rapid sessions. There was no sound of movement from within. He tried again, only a little quieter and spoke softly.

"Kain . . . ?" There was no response and he tried again a little more confidant in his calls. "Come on Kain, open the door!" There was a slight rustling. Raziel looked horrified for a moment but when nothing happened he was encouraged to speak again. "Kain, this is childish!" Suddenly the door cracked open and a rush of nauseous mists came spilling forth, seemingly affecting everyone but Raziel. "Well that's a new one . . . " He muttered.

"Childish, is it?" Kain had his round face up to the crack between the door and the wall, looking up at the concerned group grumpily. "WELL IT SUITS MY BODY DOESN'T IT?!?!" He screeched at the top of his lungs and slammed it shut again.

"Well!" Said Raziel indignantly and tried to stalk away, only to be caught in the cloud of lieutenant mingling about the threshold. They all looked at him with identical expressions of disgust and disbelief. "What?" Raziel asked defensively.

"You could at least _try_ to get him into a better mood . . . " Rahab said with a tone combined with pity and annoyed patients.

"I did try!"

"He did try . . . " Echoed Dumah, and everyone ignored him.

"Honestly, Raziel! Don't you care?" Turel questioned.

"I do care!"

"He cares!" Dumah echoed again.

"You have a funny way of showing it!" Concluded Malchiah.

"Why am I the only one expected to commit suicide?" Raziel demanded.

"Better you then me!" Dumah recalled and there was hardy agreement amongst the five of them.


	3. Getting squished

**Haaaaaaaaaaaaa . . . I get the feeling this story isn't very funny. I donno, it'd probably be much funnier if Turn Based Tragedy was _actually_ writing it. But then it's TBT who has the tendency to abandon stories the instance she gets a new and/or improved idea. (See _Legacy of Victor_ and _Horror and Strife: The Tales of a Walking Death machine_ . . . Is that what it's called?) I probably won't do much more of this for a while (if at all) unless convinced to continue by TBT or you all out there _begging_ to have another chapter. (Yeah right, like that would ever happen . . . ) **

_**-Legend's Legacy & Turn Based Tragedy (But mostly LL on the pre-thingy . . . )**_

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"Why, exactly, are we stealing this statue commemorating Kain's defeat of the Sarafan lord again?"

"Because that's what the spell scroll calls for! Here, you want to read it?"

"Why on earth would we need a statue of the person we're trying to revive?"

Raziel sighed, it was Malchiah who said he, Raziel, didn't care? "It doesn't need to be a statue, it's just Kain's favorite, that's all. Look . . . It says here 'the favorite item of the victim', that's this, the only thing we know he likes!"

"He likes a statue of himself commemorating his own defeat of the Sarafan lord?"

"Ok, now you're just starting to sound like Dumah. He likes _himself_! _He_ is _his own_ favorite thing! Since we can't very well throw _him_ in there, we're using something in the likeness of him!" Raziel really did have thick brothers.

"So why did it have to be this big?" He was standing at the foot of a colossal, cathedral-sized statue that (as was stated before) commemorated Kain's defeat of the Sarafan lord, the last real threat against his rule. Malchiah had been assigned the daunting task of finding a way to move it without disrupting the tilt of the earth in the process.

"Well, I figured, the bigger the better! Besides, what could size hurt? Well besides your workers' backs, that is . . . "

"Jerk . . . " Malchiah murmured and motioned to Dumah, of course he had no workers, he had just been raised. Dumah was stupid enough to do it for him though, even he knew that. Dumah lopped over like an excited dog, ready to please. Malchiah pointed to the base of the statue wordlessly signaling for him to start working, and Dumah went to work.

Not five minuted after he started pulling, tugging, pushing and punching the gigantic monument, he was single handedly carrying it to the Lake of the Dead (the only body of water large enough to completely submerge it, the spell scroll called for it.) He was almost there when he passed precariously close to his brothers who happened to be huddled around the decrepit, water damaged, illegible scroll. He really did wonder where Raziel had gotten it, he asked once but on one ever tells him anything. Being rather curious, he lumbered over, statue still in hand. It didn't take long for them to realize that he was headed for them (mostly due to the fact that the hunk of marble blotted out the sun.) Abandoning the scroll, (much to Dumah's delight, he didn't think they'd let him look at it if they were all hanging around)they ran in favor of staying clear of the rather large shadow that they knew bode no well. One half of them (Raziel, Rahab and Zephon) favored the left of it, while the other (Turel and Malchiah) favored the right.

Dumah looked lovingly at the scrap of parchment and bent as if to try and pick it up but found, most discouragingly, that his hands were already occupied by this ugly rock. So, in an attempt to multitask (which is inadvisable to try and provoke from Dumah ever again) balanced the thing in one strong arm and swiped up the tattered piece of magical text in the other. He squinted at it, concentrating hard on reading, he concentrated just a little_ too _hard on the words and not _quite_ hard enough on balancing. The statue swayed dangerously, from the left to the right, left to right as Dumah shifted beneath it, until Dumah (finally forgetting why he had it and that he had it at all) dropped it all together. Unfortunately (for Raziel, Rahab and Zephon at least) it toppled from his hand to the left, attempting to crush all who couldn't scurry out of the way of it's mass. Raziel, Zephon and Rahab were not quick enough.

Miraculously, with the combined effort of all three of them, the shock of catching it just shattered bones beyond humanly repair (luckily for them, they're vampires and they healed just fine if a little painfully.) The three of them huffed and puffed and managed to avoid being crushed to death.

"Why." Said Rahab breathlessly. "Did." He gasped for air. "You. Drop. It. This. Way?"

"Nuuuurrrrrrrrggg . . . " Zephon grunted, it was amazing that he made noise at all. His face was steadily turning from red to purple to blue.

"Why are you people so intent on making Kain kill me? Do you hate me or something?" Raziel strangled out in a pained voice.

Turel regarded his only elder brother for a moment before leaving him with parting comforts while he struggled. ". . .Yes . . . " And he walked away, Malchiah in toe.

Instead of listening to his brothers pleas and complaints, Dumah somehow, temporarily, found the brain capacity to noticed something actually worth noticing.

"Heeeeeeyyyyyyy . . . Doesn't that space there look suspicious? That one too! Something body, something body . . . it kinda looks like a word could fit in there, doesn't it?"

"I. Don't. Care. How. Screw-ie. The. Spa-cing. Is!" Huffed Rahab. " Just. Get. It. Off. Of. Me!"

"It kinda looks like . . . Man! What's the word that I'm looking for?"

"Heeeeeelp!" Zephon managed to squeak, dangerously close to passing out from the exertion.

"I _know_ something could fit in there! I can _feel_ it!"

"Can you feel two tons of Kain's head slowly and cruelly sapping your strength in order to crush you to death? Because I sure can, and I don't like it . . . " Added Raziel, unable to hold back his sarcasm even in the midst of a possibly fatale situation.

"I GOT IT!" Dumah roared.

"Congratulations . . . " Raziel muttered. Rahab was starting to struggle for breath while Zephon struggled to stand up.

"I think a 'some' could fit in there! 'Some body' . . . " Dumah concentered on the puzzling configuration of words. "Oh! I get it! 'Somebody'!"

"GREAT! FOR! YOU! DUMAH! WHY! DON'T! YOU! HELP! US! NOW?!" Said an aggravated Rahab.

"I gotta go show the guys this! This is amazing! Raziel sure would like to hear about this I think!" He looked pleased with himself.

". . . I'm right here. If you get this OFF OF ME, I'll be more than happy to praise your idiocy!"

"I feel like I'm forgetting something . . . Darn, I did it again! I'll ask Turel about it when I get back. He remembers everything!" Dumah gushed as if his brothers weren't even there and waddled away.

"Please . . . " Zephon gasped one more time and then passed out.

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**Do you like it? I don't like the ending so much, but I'll live. It's about time I sent this to the public! I put the deadline at new years! **


	4. Unexpected Results

**Hi, um, I'm back again. TBT got to me. Every time I'm on the computer now she's bugging me about it. I'm communicating a lot more with her now too. (On account of the fact that I don't really feel like doing it when she demands it of me.) So, I suppose my hiatus wasn't very long for this world. The next chapter beckons!**

_**-Legend's Legacy & Turn Based Tragedy**_

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"Did it work yet?"

"Well, let's see Dumah, he hasn't burst out of his room screaming about how he's grown-up again, so I'd say no, I don't believe it has worked yet."

"...Did it work yet?"

"Dumah, we're supposed to allow up to three hours after completion of the spell for results, do you know what that means Dumah?"

"No."

"Too bad."

"Did it work yet?"

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DUMAH, NO!" Dumah was making Malchiah crabby. He simply could not see how the others could just accept the stupidity so easily! Malchiah fumed, Dumah drooled, Raziel scrubbed with increasing intensity at a spot on his armor, Zephon plotted, Rahab was reading a book on marine plant life, and Turel glared at Raziel; who, in his vigor, accidently put a scratch in his armor. Seconds, minutes, and hours ticked by until something happened.

"SOMETHING HAPPENED!"Dumah (who had been watching intently for any change whatsoever) squealed. Malchiah jumped, Raziel made a bigger scratch in his armor that he was trying to fix, Zephon plotted, Rahab dropped his book, and Turel stopped glaring at Raziel to glare at Dumah instead. There was a slight tremor in the ground that, now that they noticed it, grew stronger. Strange colored bubbles were floating around, being produced by thin air. Screeching sounds were emanating from cracks and crevices in the walls. There was a sudden flash, a thud, and a muffled "ow" coming from else where. Just as they were wondering to themselves what kind of fruit, exactly, did their effort bring forth, a strange woman walked in rubbing her head.

"FIEND!" Dumah yelled. "YOU ATE KAIN, DIDN'T YOU?!"

"Huh?" The woman said.

"Oh my . . . " Said Rahab.

"It seems something went wrong . . . " Speculated Turel.

"Very, very wrong." Added Zephon.

"And we used Kain's favorite statue too . . . " Fretted Malchiah.

"All in favor of blaming Dumah, say 'I'." Suggested Raziel, and the collection of them said "I". (Not including Dumah, but not because he could think far enough ahead to realize that he may be in a fair amount of trouble, no, he could only concentrate on one thing at a time and his mind was dedicated to being mad at the woman who ate Kain.)

"Where am I?" The stranger asked.

"Nosgoth!" Dumah cheerily answered, totally and completely forgetting his displeasure. The woman scoffed.

"How could _this_," she gestured broadly to include the entire sad view. "be Nosgoth? To be frank, the Nosgoth I know isn't such a wasteland. I mean, by the gods! There are vultures picking apart other vultures!" And indeed, there were a few vultures pecking at a decrepit bird scarcely recognizable as the same species as it flapped miserably.

"Ah, naw!" Said Rahab dismissively "That's just Billy! It's about time he died! He's been around since I was risen!"

"Yeaaaaaaahhh . . . Now that I think about it, he was there when I was too!" Recalled Turel.

"I've never seen this flying rat in my life!" Said Dumah, sounding disgusted and determined to make as little sense as possible.

"Yes you have." Contradicted Zephon. "You wave at the starving animal every time you walk by it, and you shoo it away when it tries to eat your leftover corpses."

"No, I haven't. I've never seen that bird." Dumah said decisively, but then looked down at his feet ashamedly. "And even if I have, I only shoo him away because it's not what vultures eat . . ."

"What do you think vultures eat?" Turel asked.

"Berries." Dumah replied.

"You've really got to stop listening to Rahab's fairytales . . . " Concluded Raziel.

"AHEM." The woman interrupted. When she succeeded in capturing all of their attention, she continued. "Why am I here?"

"Well," Said Malchiah. "We've no idea, really. We were trying to fix Kain you see, and you ha-" Malchiah was cut off mid-sentence by the woman's observational ranting.

"Kain's here? Where is he?! I'll kill the bastard! I'll rip him to pieces and keep his head as a trophy! I'll feed him to the sharks while he's still alive! I'll rip his arm off and beat him with it!" Her anger was evident. She had her mind set on mutilating Kain and there was nothing that could convince her to do other wise; so, naturally, they tried.

"You . . . Can't . . . " Said Raziel.

"Do you think him that strong? HA! I have _millenniums_ of hatred behind me! All the strength in the world won't save him now!"

"Well, it's not that he's strong, actually quite the opposite in his current state . . . "

"He's weak? This is my chance to strike! Mark my words! He'll be dead by tomorrow morning!"

"No, no. There will be no striking." Said Zephon, shacking his head. "You don't entirely understand . . . I've been _praying _for a chance to mutiny and _I_ can't bring myself to do it . . . " The others nodded their heads in agreement, he _had_ been praying for a chance to mutiny.

"No, I don't think _you_ entirely understand. I hate Kain. I hate kain more then hell it's self!"

"And _I_ am a control obsessed weakling who spends his time plotting the demise of his brothers and sire! But you just _can't do it!_"

"I can!" The woman insisted. Zephon opened his mouth to argue his point but Rahab cut him off.

"Here, why don't we show you?" There was uncomfortable shuffling and silent debate, but in the end, she would only have to see for herself.

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There was a soft knock on his door. What could those fools want now? He tottered over, holding up the miniature pants that were still far too large for him. He grabbed a stool and stood on it in order to reach the doorhandle, he opened the door a crack, only to find a woman standing there. He didn't know what to make of this, so he chose to be touched.

"Ahh, did you guys bring me a prostitute to cheer me up?"

"_That's Kain?_" The prostitute asked disgustedly. "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

"No joke." Said Malchiah. "He was normal one moment and then, POOF!" He gestured at Kain's adorable form.

"Look Lady, you're not being paid to make any judgment, you're being paid to get some." The prostitute was looking rather doubtful.

"Can't you tell it's the real Kain by his insensitive comments?" Asked Turel.

"Sure he _sounds_ like Kain but, kids can be taught such behaviors!" Kain squinted up at the woman.

"Heeeyyyy, you look familiar. Haven't I killed you before?" Now the prostitute just looked appalled.

"You couldn't even have the decency to even remember?!" She twitched for a minute and heaved great sighs of exasperation mixed with hate. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU, YOU LITTLE BRAT!" Kain's eyes grew to unimaginably disproportionate sizes.

"I know you! You're that one chick who stole the Neto Stone, or whatever it was called! You're, you're, you're . . . That one chick!" His little brow furrowed, his pudgy mouth puckered in concentration, and his eyes set; trying desperately to find the name he was looking for. "UMA! That's what your name is!" He looked unabashedly proud of himself for remembering such an exact detail.

"I . . . ! I . . . ! I can't do it!" Her eyes softened and her hands unclenched. "You're too cute! I want too, no! I _need_ to hug you! Why don't I hate you?!" It was then that Kain saw the potential of being three years old. His face turned from proud, to slightly surprised, to in sanely happy. His stubby arms outstretched to either side of himself, welcoming the embrace. Uma ran to him; her motherly instincts -thought to be long abandoned- reawaken in one loving motion. "YOU ARE _SOOOO_ CUTE!" She screeched, pressing Kain to her bosom. Kain went limp, enjoying every minute of it. Uma snuggled the miniature form of the self-proclaimed king of the world until he was blue in the face. She only released him when Dumah was ordered to pry Kain from her. Upon release, Kain had only one topic he felt compelled to address.

"Three's not all bad..." He said and waddled back over and climbed into Uma's lap.


	5. Fresh Cookies

**Hello again! I'm back! I haven't updated in a while, so I decided it was a good idea. I don't know why you people read this any more, all my and TBT's ideas just get more stupid and more wild... But then again, that's comedy.**

**_-Legend's Legacy and Turn Based Tragedy_ **

"Would you like a cookie, Kain?" Umah purred.

"Yes, please." Said Kain earnestly. The thought of ingesting mass amounts of sugar was oddly appealing to him.

"SLAVE!" Umah bellowed for the ump-teenth time. A human servant grudgingly appeared as if from nowhere.

"Yes, Madam?" He wheezed with disgust. He was rather sick of running back and forth at the silly whim of a child and the woman who was spoiling him, but alas, it was on Lord Raziel's order that obey the child as if he were Kain; ridiculous, though it was.

"Fetch this darling boy a cookie!" She commanded.

"A cookie, Madam?" He double checked, last time he came back with something (a toy train) he was scolded sternly by all three child, woman, and Lord Raziel for not hearing right. _He_ wanted a _rocket._

"Did she stutter?" The kid replied quite rudely. The servant looked painfully indignant for a moment but then bowed, the tip of his nose brushing the ground.

"As you wish." He said in reluctant defeat and backed out of the room, bowing all the way (as was customary with Lord Kain) until he evaporated out.

Kain turned to Umah. "Did ja see the honker on that guy?" He paused a moment, amused with his choice of words. "His nose was HUGE! He's got a rocket, a hanger, and a military base up in that thing! Forget about space being the final frontier, we still got up his nose to explore!" Then he giggles uncontrollably. Umah smiled, blind and deaf to Kian's outrageously heinous behavior.

"He _did_ have a big nose, didn't he my sweet?" She stroked his hair while he reclined on her lap, comfortable and waiting excitedly for that cookie. Suddenly, the oversized main doors to the sanctuary slammed open, hitting the walls with so much force that cracks formed. Such unwittingly displayed feats of strength could only mean one person.

"Oh great," Kain muttered sarcastically, "the 'idiot patrol' is here to ruin the happy atmosphere." And sure enough, in strolls Dumah- accompanied by one of his brothers (as so he couldn't hurt himself) as always.

"RAZIEL WAS RESEARCHING CURSES IN THE LIBRARY AND HE CAME ACROSS A SPELL-CASTER THAT TURNED PEOPLE BACK IN TO CHILDREN ONCE AND HE SAID HE THOUGHT YOU'D BE INTERESTED IN HIM AND IT TURNS OUT TO BE MOEBIOUS AND HE THINKS WE SHOULD TELL YOU AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!" Shouted Dumah, all in one breath. Raziel (who was the brother who was with him this time) intervened before Dumah could take another breath and started again.

"Yes," he started, "I found some information regarding the late circle of nine that I believe you might find interesting . . ." Kain looked intensely at Raziel, suddenly serious.

"Well, out with it boy!" He said impatiently. Raziel responded immediately.

"It was rumored by some of those of the Sarafan guard and some of the Guardians as well, that in his fortieth year, Moebious was experimenting with altering age. Making the old- young, and the young- old in varying degrees . . . I found the rumors in salvaged letters and diaries, I also found statements of alleged eye-witnesses to these events and those who were apparently experimented on. Supposedly, Moebious was said to say he 'would use such techniques on all his enemies, to turn back their time until there was nothing left'. I haven't any solid evidence, but I figured I'd tell you of my find."

"Excellent, Raziel!" Kain clapped his little hands together happily and sloppily, nearly missing. "I realize why you're my favorite all over again! But... Why did you bring Dumah...?" He asked confusedly.

Raziel raised his eyebrow and grimaced, creating an almost amusing expression. "_That_ was not purposeful. The others _ditched_ him on me."

Suddenly, they were interrupted yet again. The human servant barged in, hobbling with a platter full of an assortment of different flavored cookies. "Forgive my tardiness, sir. I shan't be so slow to deliver again, sir." He bowed and offered the platter to Kain (who took it upon himself to take the whole thing) in one motion. Kain eyed the full dish greedily, his hands skimming over the top ones until he seized one in his little sweaty hands. He brought it to his lips and took a large bite. He chewed thoughtfully and then his miniature face contorted with disgust. He put the cookie back down on the platter calmly.

"This cookie isn't fresh. I want fresh cookies." Kain looked at the man expectantly. The man sighed and bowed.

"I shall fetch you fresh cookies, sir." He turned around and hunched off.

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Whoo! Got through another one! TBT contributed a lot more on this one than I thought she was going to, which is good. You all out there get more of what SHE was thinking and less of my skewed interpitations.


	6. Barbaque pits

**Hello! I'm here again and it is now officially SUMMER BREAK! I'll have much more time to update now! **- **(Even though I probably won't...)** **Enjoy the next chapter! **

_**-Legend's Legacy and Turned-Based-Tragedy**_

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"Are you ready, my sweet?" Umah asked.

"Mmmnmph." Said Kain.

"OH, YOU ARE _SOOOO _CUTE!" Umah squealed, and pushed him a little further into her breasts.

"Umah," said Raziel wisely, "do you think you could let him breath at least _once_ before you go?" Umah had hardly let Kain pull back an inch from her bosom before proclaiming some squeal of excitement and pulling him back in.

"OH MY GOODNESS! I've been suffocating the poor, _adorable,_ little thing...!" Her grip slackened and Kain pushed away, audibly gasping for air, his face donning the most pathetic of expressions. "HE IS SO CUTE!" She screeched the moment she saw it. And he was right back where he started.

Raziel sighed and let it be, there was really nothing he could do if he intended to remain polite, which he very much intended to. It was very much in his personality to keep out of his maker's affaires, and besides; maybe Kain was enjoying this. Who knows? He stood back and joined his brothers. He didn't think that it was necessary to go through with such _drastic_ measures, but alas, it wasn't his decision. He had voiced his concerns directly to Kain and it had not changed his mind, so what else he could do?

"Ooo! It changed color!" Dumah stated in the onlt way he knew how, unintelligently and ogling at the wall of the shiny mist.

"Yes... It is time for you to go, if you are actually planning too..." Said Turel awkwardly. He to was rather suspicious of this operation. Actually, they all were. None of them quite trusted the thought of time travel...

Kain detached himself from Umah's chest with a sickening sucking sound- the same made when you pull a suction cup off a window only one hundred million times worse.

"Oh, you guys are such female organs." Said Kain with little concern. (Umah didn't like it when he said naughty words!) "It'll work _just_ fine. You'll see! Alright woman, les-go!" He kicked his heels on either side of Umah as if she were some horse.And Umah went, plunging head-long into the suspicious, murky, yellow cloud.

The descent through time was quite the trip indeed! Rather that being a flash of colorful light and BOOM you're there, in was an actual descent as if time traveled eternally in an upwards fashion. It wasn't the "oh, I'm falling through empty space and I see the occasional symbolic light block that resembles an open door and random clock" scenario. No, this was a "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS _ANOTHER_ BARBEQUE PIT DOING IN MY WAY?!? LIKE I NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE! I _JUST_ GOT THROUGH A TREE THAT WAS ON FIRE, GOD DAMN IT, AND I'M F&ING SICK OF GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH CINDER BLOCKS!!!" scenario. Oh yes, there was much bludgeoning of the head on the way down.

As they approached the right time, they could see a floor begin to emerge as if from nowhere. Were it the "oh, I'm falling through empty space and I see the occasional symbolic light block that resembles an open door and random clock" scenario, you might not have the need for concern; but since it was the "OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS _ANOTHER_ BARBEQUE PIT DOING IN MY WAY?!? LIKE I NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE! I _JUST_ GOT THROUGH A TREE THAT WAS ON FIRE, GOD DAMN IT, AND I'M F&ING SICK OF GETTING HIT IN THE HEAD WITH CINDER BLOCKS!!!" scenario, you were fairly certain that you were going to hit that materializing floor and at the rate at which you were moving you had not only concern- but soil your pants fear as well.

And thus, Umah and Kain fell, the former instinctively curling around the miniaturized mold of the latter effectively taking all of the many, many blows to the head. And in this position, they hit the now solid floor that looked suspiciously like that in the Sarafan Stronghold. Umah uncurled herself, gasping and bleeding profoundly.

"Kain...!" gasp "Are." gasp "You." gasp, cough, cough "O." wheeze, drip "K?" groan Said Umah, lying on her back her coughs bloody.

"Yep!" Said a chipper Kain. As he talked, he bounced up from the floor and started to move with an excited skip. As he was doing so, however, he failed to notice the random and inopportunely placed brick on the floor. "It was a little bumpy on the way down, but you, I must say, are a rather efficient shock absorber when you concen-..." His eyes widened, his mouth dropped into an "oh" shape, and he froze.

"Kain?" Umah wheezed, clutching the slowly healing, ten-inch-deep lacerations on her stomach.

Kain's pupils seemed to dilate to impossible sizes. "Uh, uh, uh...?" Was his response.

"Kain, what is it?" Said Umah fearfully.

Kain's eyes began to water. "Uh, uh, uh?!" He responded more urgently.

"Kain, are you hurt?!" Said Umah more worried now.

"Uh, Uh...! Waaaaaaaaaaa-uuuuuuuuuhhhh-naaaaaaaa!" Cried Kain.

"Kain?!?! Why are you crying?! What's wrong?!" Umah had crawled to her knees, ignoring the unpleasant crunch that accompanied this action.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-WAAAAA-h!" Kain wailed, his lips quivering to the same beat as an unsightly tremor.

"Kain! Tell me what's wrong!" Umah had not yet healed, but the only thing on her mind was Kain. "Tell me so I can make it all better!"

"Waaaaaaaaah-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I-I-I St-stubbed m-m-my, fuh! Fuh! I stubbed my TOE! WAAAAAAAN NAAAAAAAAAA AH!" Kain blubbered.

"Oh! You poor baby! Come here, I'll make the boo-boo go away for you!" Umah out stretched her broken arms to Kain, intending to cuddle despite the overwhelming pain. At that moment however, a Sarafan guard, who was making his rounds, happened to hear Kain crying.

"VAMPIRE!" He screeched at the top of his lungs and busted open the door, and there he saw the most incriminating scene. There was Kain in the fetal position, crying his little lungs dry, and Umah couched and leering over him. It did not look good. The sarafan unsheathed his sword and raised it above his head. Umah could already tell, this was not going to end well. The sarafan tensed up and hurled his sword with all his might. For a second, Umah had the fleeting wonder of as to why the man had to throw the sword when she was sitting two feet away, but then realized it didn't really matter because either way she was bounded to die, _again. _She closed her eyes in anticipation and then... Nothing happened, well, to her any way. The guard barreled right past her into a scraggly excuse for a human being behind her, so scraggly in fact that she didn't even take the time to notice it or give it a proper gender title of 'he' of 'she'.

"Huh." She mused out loud to herself. "I really thought for a second there, that I was in trouble..." By that time the room had become clogged with sarafan that had heard, and answered, the call to the first one's bellowing. They all turned to her as if they had not noticed her the same way she had not noticed the poor creature trying to wriggle away. They all _really_ took in the scene before them; Kain was still in the fetal position crying his little lungs dry, Umah was still leering over him. All was quiet but for Kain's wails until one of then screeched:

"CHILD ABUSE!"

"Oh, sh-" Was all that Umah managed to get out before the entire force (of about forty strong) tackled her on the spot, forgetting completely about their alleged vampire, and carrying her as a mass out of the room.

Kain's wails went on, lonely and unnoticed. They started to subside as time went on and his sniffles became more infrequent. He sniffed one last time and rubbed his nose vigorous, eliciting disgusting gloppy noises as he did.

"My toe hurt..." He whined and got up and wandered away.

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**Fin! I am done! TBT had, indeed, little to do with this chapter. Seeing as though she was ASLEEP the entire time I was writing it. But what can little ol' me do about it other that ruin her story? ;P **

'**Till next time,**

_**Legend's Legacy**_


	7. Oh, that lollipop

**Hey 'yall! Are you ready for the next adorable-packed chapter?! Me neither. TBT is rather insistent that I do this now though. But right now, I'm kinda sleepy...**

_**Legend's Legacy & Turn-Based Tragedy **_

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Kain was wandering around, sucking loudly on an over-sized lollipop.

"Hey! Boy! I said _'stay close'!_"

Kain had wandered into the extensive "interrogation hall" that the sarafan were ever so proud of, and one of the "interrogators" had taken quite the liking to him.

"Ohhhhhhh-kay!" said Kain dreamily, paying no heed to the man despite his bulging muscles and apparent lack of intellect.

"I mean it litter' boy! If yeh cut yer self on a- _hey! Stay away from that!_"

Kain had wandered by a lethal looking instrument that was all a tither with dull and sharp blades alike. But for Kain, merely walking _by_ wasn't an option- Kain had his baby nose a scant _centimeter_ away from the contraption, sucking ever more obnoxiously on the lollipop. Kain looked away from the thing slowly and up into the man's eyes. The "interrogator" glared sternly down at the boy, but it was no use. He melted under Kain's honey-eyed gaze.

"So." Said Kain definitively as if they had been discussing his topic manner for some time now. "When do I get to watch an 'interrogation' do you think? I am quite excited to see one. Your technique, as a Sarafan, should be impressive indeed- if all I hear about you Sarafan is true, that is..."

The sophisticated speech patterns of Kain confused the "interrogator" greatly. This was not the usual way children reacted to him, or even spoke at all! Be it that the man had absolutely _no_ idea what Kain was on about, he pretended to.

"Uhhhh... Yes?" He said as way of answering, not at all sure of himself.

"What was that you said about your schedule earlier? There was to be another soon? Well, I have time. You could show me the most refined art of torture straight away! Unless of corse, you object to cutting you break short that is. But I was under the impression that you thought the breaks gave the poisoners too much time to recuperate- am I wrong?"

"Wha...?" Said the "interrogator" confusedly, scratching his great stupid head. All he had said to this little boy was that he was on break, the prisoner he had been "interrogating" must have stopped feeling the pain by now (and what a shame that was) and that after break it was back to work!

"No objections? Splendid!" Said Kain cheerily clapping his miniature, fat hands together. "Then we should get started fairly soon, I'll give you some time to finish up your lunch and grab your 'tools' and then we'll be off!" Kain bounced down the dimly lit hall to examine another deadly machine, sucking, still, on the oversized lollipop.

The torturer– ah– interrogator, lopped after Kain at a total loss for what to do. When he reached the prisoner's cell that he intended to do his work on, he found this strange boy waiting for him.

"Do excuse me," Kain said. "But I took the liberty of choosing the 'tools' you should use, you see, I've seen all the other ones used and know how they function..." The interrogator stared.

"What a cute kid!" He said. "Now, we ganna get the mean lady in here... The other guys told me that she was a 'child abuser'... and then they told me what 'abuser' means!" He looked happy for himself. He picked up a tool that looked an awful lot like a giant's eyelash curler in one hand and unlocked the heavy iron door with the other. They were met with a gory sight. There was blood everywhere, it was caked in a brown, sticky coating an inch thick on the walls. There were chunks sticking to the ceiling, unwilling to come down. Kain looked around disgustedly.

"Who cleans this place? It looks as if someone exploded in this room!" The interrogator looked ashamed of himself. In fact, someone _had_ been blown up in that room.

"Oh, ha, you noticed... Well after the last guy, the caught this chick real quick like and I didn't have time to clean up; I usually is a lot more neat than this..." Kain gave a condescending look.

"All is forgiven," he said hurriedly, "now, if you could– Lo! What is this?" He had spotted the woman who was chained to the wall by wrists and ankle, upside-down. The moment she saw him, her face brightened.

"Kain?!" She said through a broken– but healing– jaw. "Kain! I thought I would be in here forever! Thank goodness you're here to get me out!" Kain looked at her blankly.

"Who the hell are you?" He asked bluntly. Her smile faltered.

"I'm... Umah... But surely you're here to get me out right? You just forgot my name, right?" Hope radiated from her every pore.

"Umah..." He said in a pondering manor, actually stroking his chin. "Why does that sound familiar?" Umah groaned in despair.

"Damn you Kain, damn you!"

"Hey!" Kain said suddenly. "You're that bitch I killed! You tried to steal my Nextell rock!"

"Nexus stone..." She moaned.

"Whatever." Said Kain. "Sarafan!" He shouted, regarding the only other person in the room. "Kindly demonstrate the proper usage of that medieval tourer device!"

"I, uh." Said the sarafan. "My manager said I shouldn't get involved in personal stuff... And this looks kinda personal to me..."

"Nonsense!" Said Kain cheerily. "I know how to keep my business and personal life separate, besides didn't you hear? I have already killed her so seeing her killed..." He trailed off a confused look in his eyes. "If I killed you once already," he said slowly. "Then why are you alive again?"

"I... I should go and tell my boss that...Uh. That...uh?" Said the sarafan uncomfortably. Mean while Kain was grappling with the air for an answer. His fat face screwed up every which way in concentration.

"Oh! _I_ remember!" Said Kain cheerily. (For that is what his face finally settled on.) "Umah!" Umah looked both relieved and tempestuous at the same time. "Guard!" Kain said sharply.

"Yessir!" Said the sarafan out of pure reflect.

"Unchain this woman at once! She is my guardian!" Kain spat at the sarafan as if it were his fault that Umah was there in the first place. The torturer started to do as he was commanded to, but then stopped as if a little stumped.

"But," he started out. "But, wasn't she in here for hurtin' her kid?" He said in a puzzled manner.

"No harm has come to me of her doing." Kain said angrily, glaring at the sarafan. "Now release her!" He commanded again. The sarafan did as he was told.

Umah was released gently. First her hands were released and the sarafan held her waist with the barest of touches while he unlocked her feet. When she was put down she brushed her self off and looked up at the sarafan.

"Thank you." She said and then brutally attacked him, draining him of blood and then viciously ripping out his heart. When that was done she fixed the child in front of her (who had been doing a little dance while she fed) and gave him a stern look. He looked up happily and out stretched his hands to her, wanting to be picked up. She folded her arms in front of her chest.

"I think Kain has been a very bad little boy." Kain frowned and lowered his hands.

"I sow-sow." Said kain humbly.

"None the less." Said Umah removing her gloves. "I think it's time for a spanking." Kain's eyes widened and he clung to his lollipop. The worst had indeed, come to pass...


End file.
